This morning I read a press release about the “scrubbing” of LGBTQ+ resources and information from government websites by the new administration in Washington DC, and it felt like something I should write about. I even thought of a way to write about it: pointing out how the administration’s efforts are an attempt to “erase” my community. Some would say there really is a moral obligation to speak up. And if not a moral one, then a practical one. I think I’ve even made that point myself: we are the only ones who can stem the tide of this wholesale reversal of social justice, this rejection of the progress that has characterized the last 50 years; we must be vigilant and visible or it will all have been for naught.
So this morning I was all set to go on that. And I stopped. Everything going on in DC is just so awful, so upside down, so beyond the pale, that I was exhausted before I even began; selecting something to carefully understand through research and then writing about it is more or less what this journal exists for, but, and I’ve said this before, I do it for myself. I may advocate a position, but I am not an advocate.
If I’m not rallying the troops, I thought, then why put myself through the misery of researching the topic well enough to write coherently about it? There is no obligation to speak up, for me – I already know what they are doing is wrong, that it will ultimately cause harm to people, and that we must find ways to shine light into the darkness descending upon us.
So I ended up writing an extended piece about something that happened in my life 19 years ago. It tangentially had something to do with gay stereotypes, so I tried to craft a post that rested on that as its overall point. I thought it had a couple of good lines that I was rather proud of, like describing an effeminate man from the Netherlands as such a flaming Euro-queer he practically set off the sprinklers. But on the whole, I was unhappy with it, mainly because I knew I’d written it to avoid writing about the more serious topic.
Then I saw that there was a puff piece in The Guardian about a celebrity I like, so I read it. My whole attitude changed afterward. I felt good. Moreover, I realized I had been feeling very down and bad. But now, and I cannot emphasize enough how dramatic the change was, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The article touched on the celebrity’s neurotic rescue dog Gigi that insists on being let out to do her business at 7am, causing a daily argument with his husband over who’s going to get out from under the warm covers of the bed to let her out, how the two of them like to lie in bed till mid-morning on Sunday and have a main meal later in the day, unless the lesbians and their dog, Henry, are coming ‘round, in which case they’ll quickly rustle up some salmon and toss a salad, while the two dogs ignore each other, how he waits for the clock to strike noon before indulging in a midday gin, and how he’s horrified by people who don’t iron their bedsheets. This was gripping stuff!
I could feel the stress falling off me like clumps of mud that had dried on my body, clinging to it until they were dissolved by water. It was a silly, pointless article about nothing. But it changed me. I reclined all the way back in my chair, stretched my hands above my head, and my body vibrated, my muscles relaxed, and Gordon climbed up my chest and licked my face. I had been carrying the trauma of Monday’s inauguration and its aftermath in my body, but a dumb article about a gay celebrity and his mundane life in the English countryside restored my equilibrium and brought with it peace. I exhaled.
We can’t escape the next four years, nor should we become complacent. But I know for myself I need to put this all in perspective relative to my own wellbeing. Living in a constant state of outrage is not healthy. I now know I need to give myself a breather from time to time, maybe listen to some unchallenging pop music (Phil Collins anybody?), or pick up a John le Carré novel. Maybe I’ll start having a midday gin!
That’s me. You know yourself, so you do you. I just wanted to tell you about this remarkable transformation I underwent this afternoon. I’m taking down today’s earlier post and replacing it with this one. I feel much better about it. Any links to the earlier post will now be redirected here.