Back in my 30s I dated a guy named Jojo. He was a Filipino (or Pinoy as they call themselves) from the Philippines who had come to America on a student visa for college, and when he graduated applied for a green card and stayed. As a gay man (and a handsome one at that), he concluded that his chances at happiness were greater here than in his home country. His family had no problem with his being gay, but a big problem with his staying in America, because they saw his desire to be happy as “selfish” and against their values, their so-called “family” values. And here I am not using that phrase to mean the catch-all for predominantly Christian, pro-life, anti-gay, pull yourself up by your bootstraps (even if you don’t have boots), lower taxes, less social services conservative views.
Rather, for them family values meant valuing family, above all else. And that might mean placing a family need, even just the expectation that everyone gathers under one roof for the holidays, over personal needs or desires. But I am firmly in the camp of prioritizing self care. Here, I am talking about the need of some LGBTQ+ folks to place self-acceptance and expression over loyalty to and involvement with a family of origin that is hostile to who they are. In the LGBTQ+ community, that is sadly often a very real need.
But in a recent study conducted by Suzy Welch, a professor at New York University, researchers found a significant shift in the way many Americans see family and their relation to it. The research indicates that personal well-being and self-expression have begun to surpass what had been family’s unassailable perch atop what we consider important in life. The findings reveal that approximately 65% of respondents now put self care and personal expression over family obligations.
As a gay man, this does not surprise me. As those in my community seek to express themselves authentically, to “come out of the closet” as it were, it is often “family,” and all that conjures up – things like religious tradition, cultural heritage, perhaps even political affiliation, that must be if not rejected outright then at least overcome. We often speak of the LGBTQ+ community as our “family of affinity” vs. our families of origin, and say, when we want to suggest that someone else is gay (or bi, or lesbian, or trans, or any of the other descriptors in our rainbow) that person is [wink] “family.”
We also might say they are a “friend of Dorothy” but that is an artifact from days gone by when we used to have to be more circumspect and coded in our language out of necessity; that phrase recalls the death of Judy Garland which occurred the Sunday before the Stonewall Riots kicked off, and refers to the character Dorothy Gale in The Wizard of Oz, portrayed by Garland. The two events are cemented together in the gay psyche. The phrase was common among gay men before the death of Garland and Stonewall though.
The exact origins of the phrase are unclear, but it is thought to have come from the character of Dorothy in L. Frank Baum’s classic books; Dorothy is a loving and open-minded person who accepts her new friends as they are.
In Baum’s book The Road to Oz, a character says, “You have some queer friends, Dorothy,” to which Dorothy replies, “The queerness doesn’t matter, so long as they’re friends.”
And even more striking is the fact that Dorothy’s story mirrors the experience of coming out: she leaves a dull, rigid, black-and-white world and emerges into a bright and colorful one where she enjoys a “found” family of affinity with her new friends.
Welch’s data indicates a clear generational divide. Among those aged 18 to 34, a whopping 75% reported placing self-expression and mental well-being above familial expectations, while in contrast, older generations were more likely to maintain traditional views on the importance of one’s family of origin (with all the baggage that might entail). Her study invites us to reflect on the evolving nature of American identity, torn between personal fulfillment and community responsibility. Self-expression is crucial for personal identity, but the importance of family as a support system cannot be overlooked.
Perhaps what is being defined (or redefined) is family itself, with the emphasis shifting from biology (families of origin) to sociology (families of affinity, those made up of like minds). But down that path we may find a dangerous tribalism; we’re already seeing that reflected in our hyper-partisan politics. Finding common ground will be vital to fostering healthy relationships in a rapidly changing cultural landscape.
And Welch’s study seems to indicate we need to start at home, in our families.