Have you ever had the experience of hearing a friend, a coworker, a religious leader, a politician, or even a stranger in line with you at the checkout of the supermarket say something derogatory about LGBTQ+ people, or just homophobic, and thought to yourself ‘I don’t agree with that at all?’  Seen on the news a story about a transgender person killed seemingly for no other reason than being transgender and thought ‘that’s not right, we all deserve justice?’  Wondered what all the fuss was about over books like Heather Has Two Mommies and libraries banning it and others “like” it.  Been skeptical about conservatives’ furor over diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) and their attempts to not just roll back but completely eliminate civil rights advances made in that regard over the last half century?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of those questions you might be what we call in the LGBTQ+ community an ally.  The word ‘ally’ has a generic definition and most often is used in a political context to describe a state (country) formally cooperating with another for a military or other purpose.  But in the civil rights context, it means someone who advocates alongside marginalized communities to empower their voices and together spread knowledge, awareness, respect, and to challenge oppression.  If you agree in equality for and the fair treatment of people who identify as LGBTQ+ then you are already an ally and we, as a community, identify you as such.  And, you know how much we love our rainbow flags? We’ve even got one for you:

Simply put, an LGBTQ+ ally is a person who supports and advocates for the rights and inclusion of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (umbrella term for other gender and sexual diverse identities) people.  Allyship is not just watching RuPaul’s Drag Race and liking it as entertainment, it involves actively working to create a more equitable and accepting environment for LGBTQ+ people, both in personal interactions and broader societal contexts.

This doesn’t mean you have to go to a Pride Parade and Festival, although I encourage you to – if nothing else, it’s a lot of fun, nor does it mean you have to wave a rainbow flag around, even though I have some cishet (cisgender, heterosexual) friends in my hometown of Glendale (which is, on the whole, pretty conservative) who are not only in a traditional (boy/girl) marriage with two enlightened, thoughtful children but fly the LGBTQ+ community’s rainbow flag in front of their house 365 days a year (and have taken grief for it).

There are simple ways to express your allyship.  I think the most important is to learn the language of the LGBTQ+ community, because language was most often used to discriminate against us – as a gay man, I’ve been called everything from ‘fag’ to ‘rump ranger’ (and even ‘butt bandit’).  Language often expresses more than just the definition(s) of the word used; as an example, in the previous paragraph I used the adjective ‘traditional’ to describe my friends in Glendale’s marriage; a homophobic non-ally might have chosen the word ‘normal,’ indicating, however subtly, their position that gay or same-sex marriage is abnormal.  That distinction may seem nit-picky, but you know what?  It matters.

Beyond using appropriate language, and avoiding hurtful words best described as slurs – I mean, does anyone but the most obnoxious bigot still use the F word?…thankfully, I think that has gone the way of the N word, good allies should learn both the history of the LGBTQ+ struggle for equality and the challenges the community faces today, particularly in light of the current Trump administration in Washington DC.  It is important to understand the social context of people’s lives, how far they’ve come, where they are going, and how far they still need to go; this exposes people to the culture of those different from them and helps to encourage tolerance through understanding.

I may be biased, but the contemporary gay rights movement, including the struggle and activism that grew out of the AIDS crisis, demonstrates the kindness and resilience of the LGBTQ+ community, as well as its ability to stand up and achieve what we believe in.

You know the saying “when you assume you make an ass out of u and me?”  Allies avoid being asses; they do not assume.  They are mindful of their default assumptions and their unconscious biases.  If someone refers to their ‘partner,’ allies use neutral pronouns instead of assuming the partner’s gender.  And they never assume that because someone is trans, they’ve had certain medical interventions; nor do they use the trans person’s birthname in conversation – a despicable practice known as “deadnaming.”

Here is my three-point plan for LGBTQ+ allyship:

• Correct people if they misgender someone, even if that person isn’t in the room
• Speak up when a person uses slurs, assumptions, stereotypes, or harmful language
• Promote diversity and celebrate different identities, particularly at the ballot box

Finally, allies recognize that LGBTQ+ individuals may also face discrimination based on other aspects of their identity, such as race, socioeconomic status, immigration status, or disability; attentiveness to these overlapping forms of oppression is called “intersectionality.”  The fight for equality for all means equality for all, so when you use your voice and your vote to speak out against and do something about racism, poverty, nativism, or ableism, you are being an LGBTQ+ ally, because LGBTQ+ people are affected by all those things.