“Coming out” is not a one-and-done deal. Throughout our lives, LGBTQ+ people are faced with “the dilemma” – over and over – of when and how much to share about themselves. Amongst friends and even in a crowd filled with people you’ll never see again.
It can be something as simple as that time my ex surprised me with tickets to see one of my favorite bands and he grabbed my hand, held it, and kissed me when they played our song. We were surrounded by strangers, fellow concertgoers enjoying good music and a night out. But his affectionate hand-holding and kiss (on the lips) meant we were making a statement, one the others there didn’t have to make, even if they were holding hands with and kissing their partners (assuming they were straight, which at a Duran Duran show I’d say was a safe assumption). Oh my god, did anyone see that?… it was so sweet of him, this whole night, but what if the people behind us are bigots?… we’re gonna get clobbered over the head!
Experiences like that night are one of the reasons I have always sought out and lived in gayborhoods. What should have been an intimate, loving moment between us as they played “Ordinary World” was suddenly fraught with tension brought on simply by our location. And I spent the rest of the show worrying about our safety (as it turned out, we were fine).
As a physically disabled man, I require assistance just to accomplish many of the things that make up my day. I need help taking a shower. Someone has to get me dressed. Though I average two doctor appointments a month, I can no longer drive a car to get to them. Since my disability is mainly centered around mobility and dexterity, I can’t walk (obviously), but it is almost impossible for me to open a pill bottle and take out medication I require for my ongoing survival (I have tried, but if I get it open, I end up spilling the pills all over the floor where my dog Gordon thinks they are doggie treats!).
“Assisted living” facilities exist to provide the assistance I need, primarily for seniors who have age-related disabilities and impairments, often brought on by medical conditions, but also for younger folks (I’ll be 59 next month) with similar needs for help with activities of daily living (ADLs).
Ask any LGBTQ+ person you might meet and they will tell you they have, at some point, had a Duran Duran moment like mine, but in a doctor’s office as opposed to a concert hall. Should I tell this doctor I’m gay? All I have is a rash. I dunno, maybe sexuality isn’t relevant to skin irritations, but maybe the doctor needs to know things related to it like sexual practices or HIV status. Bottom line, it’s never simple or straightforward or obvious what to do. Not for us anyway.
at Stonewall Gardens Assisted Living
And that is one of the reasons I make my home and live at Stonewall Gardens Assisted Living. We are the first and only assisted living facility in California to prioritize the cultural, social, and medical needs of LGBTQ+ people in a safe, inclusive, affirming, non-judgmental environment. There is a place in northern California that claims to have been first (which we dispute), and the reason I can still make the claim that we are the “only assisted living facility in California to prioritize the cultural, social, and medical needs of LGBTQ+ people” is because our northern California brethren have mainstreamed (they still put a premium on LGBTQ+ inclusivity, but in a mixed gay/straight environment) whereas we maintain a dominant LGBTQ+ population while welcoming those who may not identify as members of the LGBTQ+ community (we currently have 3 straight residents out of 26).
Be that as it may, a total of two facilities making the unique needs of LGBTQ+ seniors and disabled people their raison d’être is not enough for a state the size of California! And although we Californians tend to think of ourselves as at the center of the known universe, I have to imagine there are LGBTQ+ people in the other 49 states (and around the world) who need what we have. And with “inclusivity” under attack like never before in my lifetime, it is worth describing just what we mean by that and not allowing a rabidly partisan majority in Washington DC to define it. Inclusivity, as practiced by Stonewall Gardens Assisted Living, means creating an environment, establishing policies, and committing to practices that are welcoming, respectful, and supportive of LGBTQ+ people and the lives we live now and have lived, ensuring equal treatment for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. With all the hullabaloo being made in the crusade against diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI), it is important to remember that when we talk about “inclusivity” we are not talking about creating special rights for some, but rather ensuring equal rights for all. That is how we will make America great again.
Last week, we celebrated our ten-year anniversary here at Stonewall with an afternoon tea. Danielle, a retired music teacher who volunteers to entertain us by providing piano accompaniment during our weekly Cheese & Chat social, played in our courtyard while Jose, one of our activity directors, served his “secret recipe” sangria. Flag-spinners twirling rainbow flags lined the street in front of our facility on Palm Canyon Drive (State Highway 111), and I was moved to tears by how many motorists driving by honked their horns to show solidarity with us. Regina, our new head chef, laid out an impressive spread of finger foods and pastries, while Nisha, our head med tech, who is normally in charge of bringing us our pills, brought in strawberries and grapes she hand-dipped herself in white chocolate and then decorated. Stonewall’s owners, Josh Levy and Jeff Kabakoff, were here with their wives and families, including grandchildren, and we were joined by friends and even former employees who came to celebrate this special day.
A day made all the more special by Mayor Ron deHarte of the City of Palm Springs and the city council delivering this proclamation:
NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, we the City Council of Palm Springs, California, by the power vested in us proudly recognize and honor Stonewall Gardens Assisted Living for its unwavering dedication to LGBTQ+ elder care and for setting a national standard in inclusive senior living, and do hereby proclaim March 20, 2025, as:
Stonewall Gardens Assisted Living Day
There will not be a magic day when we wake up and it’s now okay to express ourselves publicly. We make that day by doing things publicly until it’s simply the way things are.
Sen. Tammy Baldwin, Democrat from Wisconsin, first openly LGBTQ+ person to be elected to the United States Senate