Note to self: pinpoint just when in the past the combination of racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, income inequality, disregard for the environment, unaffordable healthcare, and militant Christian hegemony coalesced in one glorious moment of American greatness to which the new administration in Washington DC wants to return in an effort to “make America great again,” and then write a post about that while deriding the signs of American decline, such as the hundreds of African Americans who sued the US government because “they would like to be air traffic controllers, but they were turned away because of the color of their skin,” and Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
One of the most successful federal program launches of all time, the sharpest arrow in the quiver of the administration’s quest for a return to American greatness, is DOGE. Cleverly, DOGE was presented to the American people as the “Department of Government Efficiency” and immediately set about distracting the easily-distracted populace of this country by taking a wrecking ball to efforts at humanitarian aid around the world and swiping the Treasury Department’s checkbook from the drawer where they keep it and locking it in a vault at DOGE’s offices which also contains Elon Musk’s signed copy of Mein Kampf.
But that was all sleight of hand designed to conceal DOGE’s true purpose in the great American renewal, policing the genitalia of America. The only thing that threatens the future of our country more than the possibility of a penis on the court during a women’s basketball game, is one in the women’s restroom after the game. And that is why the President created DOGE – the Department of Genital Exposure.
A friend of mine who lives in Texas – there’s a sentence I never thought I’d utter, but in his defense he’s there for work and I did meet him at a gay bar in West Hollywood – has seen DOGE’s efforts first-hand. While travelling through DFW (Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport), he had need of relieving himself in a restroom, where he encountered DOGE’s pilot program (no pun intended) that uses AI for EGV (electronic genital verification) to replace the more familiar and less accurate method of standing outside the door and shouting, “come on, show us your cock” at passersby. He knew those of us in blue states wouldn’t believe him, so he snapped this picture of notice of the program on the door of his stall.
Privacy advocates expressed concerns that the program might infringe upon Americans’ Fourth Amendment rights which protect people from unreasonable searches and seizures by the government, arguing that law enforcement needs cause and a warrant signed by a judge to search a person’s home or other private property. They have pointed out that longstanding precedent describes a penis, or the lack of one, as private property as it is often referred to, even in its absence, as one’s “privates.” But DOGE has dismissed these claims as more evidence of the “deep state” and “DEI” and as the textbook orthodoxy of the wokerati run amok which is holding American greatness back and causing planes to crash in midair with helicopters over the Potomac. The Constitution, they say, is not the Bible, adding, there is only one Bible, and that is the one being sold by the President in one of his side hustles.
DOGE has countered objections that the new technology will slow busy travelers’ access to airport restrooms when they’re rushing to make that connecting flight to Schenectady, or Seattle, by implementing a fast-pass, like the TSA PreCheck® offered by the Transportation Security Administration that streamlines the boarding process. A simple app on your phone, downloadable from The App Store (iPhones) or Google Play (Android phones) known as the DOGE CrotchPic® allows you to bypass the electronic genital verification process altogether.
Using your phone, just snap a shot of your Willie, Johnson, Wang, Dong, Knob, Member, One-eyed trouser snake, Ding-a-ling, or whatever you call the lil’ fella, or your Lady garden, Love tunnel, Pink taco, Hoo ha, Poonani, Minge, Coochie, Muff, Foof, Beaver, Vajayjay, or C u next Tuesday and present it to one of the thousands of new GEPs (Genital Enforcement Police) that DOGE is placing outside airport restrooms all over the country.
Those lacking a digital photograph of their nether regions, or opting not to carry it around on their phone while traveling, still have options! America is about choice, unless you’re a woman with an unwanted pregnancy, and DOGE respects that. Those wishing the more familiar, tried and true grab-‘n’-grope need only alert the GEP on duty, who will happily oblige with a quick reach around or hand shandy. And DOGE is committed to accessibility. Those with special needs may request lotion.