Fancy Steak Dinners

This weekend is the Super Bowl, where teams of grown men in tight Lycra knickerbockers bump into each other on a lawn trying to get a “foot” ball with their hands to the edge of the opposing team’s side of the grass, which is known as the end zone and features a gigantic fork stuck in the ground, dual tines in the air.  During this extravaganza, it is customary to partake of monosyllabic foods such as wings, and chips, and dip, and to imbibe monosyllabic beverages such as beer.

As has become customary, I will engage in gambling as to which team of grown men in tight Lycra knickerbockers bumping into each other on a lawn gets the foot ball with their hands to the edge of the opposing team’s side of the grass the most times.  This is called “winning.”  If I select the team that makes it to their opponent’s end zone the most times, I will get a very fancy steak dinner; on the other hand, if the team I select makes it to their opponent’s end zone fewer times than their opponent, I will have to buy someone a very fancy steak dinner.  To review how I select which team of grown men in tight Lycra knickerbockers I believe will make it to their opponent’s end zone the most times, click here; while that link refers you to the selection process for teams who throw a ball, hit it with a stick of wood, and then try to catch it in their hands while the hitter runs around an imaginary diamond to get back to where the runner began (called “home plate”), a lawn is also involved (although there is far less Lycra than you like to see) and so it is applicable in the present context.

Now for some math.

I am owed two fancy steak dinners for correctly choosing the winner in two previous sporting extravaganzas in years gone by, one involving end zones and one involving home plates.  I also owe one fancy steak dinner for incorrectly choosing a winner in one sporting extravaganza involving home plates.  So if I’m up two and down one, in aggregate I go into this weekend up one.

That number is further complicated by the fact that a previous attempt was made to satisfy one of the fancy steak dinners I am owed at a barbecue.  I’m sorry, but slapping some steak on the grill in your backyard and serving it to me on a paper plate does not constitute a “fancy steak dinner.”  I rejected this egregious attempt at bet welching as it violates not only the spirit but the letter of the bet.  Therefore, as should be obvious, I am still up two and down one and go into this weekend up one fancy steak dinner.

But I think even a second grader just learning their times tables can see that, win or lose, I will not be out the cost of a fancy steak dinner come Monday.  I need you to back me up on this, as my gambling adversary, who we have already established is a bold-faced, shameless bet welcher, is attempting to gaslight me by proposing that:

• I was owed 2 fancy steak dinners for my past victories
• That number decreased to 1 fancy steak dinner given a previous loss
• The barbecued steak, while rejected as not fancy, constituted a fair and honest attempt at bet remuneration, and thereby satisfied the 1 outstanding fancy steak dinner owed to me, and that fact is not mitigated by my rejection of it
• We therefore go into the weekend even, no one holding a fancy steak dinner advantage

I’ve been checking sports and betting websites this morning to see what the experts are saying, and they seem very concerned about the snacks.  They keep asking whether so-and-so will “cover the spread.”  Do they mean the dips, like the hummus?