As today marks the first game of the 2024 World Series, I thought it a good time to share my time-tested and remarkably successful betting scheme. But before I do, can we just acknowledge the arrogance of calling a sporting contest played exclusively by American teams a “world” series? I am reliably informed that there is one team from Canada – the Toronto Blue Jays – eligible to play in the championship, but Canada hardly represents “the world.” You know Canada, yes? It’s like America, but much colder and without teenagers shooting up their schools with automatic weapons every five minutes. Calling this sports event a “world series” is like announcing the winner of the Miss Universe pageant is from Earth. That is why I shall be referring to it by its other name – The Fall Classic.
Now as for my betting scheme, I first developed it at my assisted living residence, Stonewall Gardens, in November of 2015. At the time, there were two lesbians living here: Florine and MaryAnn. They had been partners at one time, but no longer were. What they were was rabid college football fans. Every Saturday this time of year they would commandeer the big screen television in our dining room to watch college-age men give each other traumatic brain injuries on a big lawn surrounded by seats while wearing very tight-fitting trousers. Florine was a fan of the Oregon Ducks. I later found out she had graduated with a degree in English from the University of Oregon whose young men who engaged in the game on the big lawn were known as the Ducks, and that her fandom did not indicate an interest in waterfowl of the northwestern United States.
I was the new guy (MaryAnn gave me the nickname FUNEWGIE which meant “F**KING NEW GUY” – lesbians are, on the whole, quite mean), and I wanted to play nice with the local wildlife, so I forced myself to watch the games (and the men in the tight trousers) with them. To make things interesting, and figuring they could make a quick buck, they proposed a wager: $5 would go to whomever picked the winning team. They never saw me coming!
I won the first week, and then the second and the third. My picks went undefeated that fall and winter. Florine and MaryAnn were livid. Not only were they losing money on a weekly basis, but it was to a gay guy who asked them if the endzone was a bar for gay men in Portland. Around New Year’s 2016, when a lot of championships are played in bowls for some reason (imagine how annoyed the girls were when I asked if they were soup bowls or cereal bowls!), MaryAnn finally broke. Exasperated, she said, “hey Funewgie, how are you getting it right every week?”
So I shared my method with them as I am sharing it with you today. I seek nothing in return, but if you profit from it, please consider donating some of your booty to the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) in honor of my little Chihuahua Gordon (he turned 7 yesterday).
First, examine the outfits worn by each team. Pay close attention to the trousers, not for any particular reason other than paying close attention to young fit men in tight trousers is enjoyable. But do note the use of colors, stripes, and accents, specifically whether they clash and look garish or whether they contribute pleasingly to the player’s ensemble. If one team’s outfits are more pleasing than the other’s, you have your winning pick; as we all – gay, straight, bi, and even mean ol’ lesbians – know, you should dress to impress… er, I mean dress for success.
But wait, I hear you protest as Florine and MaryAnn did, what if both teams have pleasant-looking outfits? Worry not. Move on to step two.
If you can’t decide who nailed their sporting fashion, it comes down to a very simple, and visceral, question. Now these teams each came from a city somewhere in the United States. All you have to do is decide where you’d like to go on vacation. If Michigan State is playing Florida State, well that’s a no-brainer! Michigan State is located in East Lansing, Michigan, about an hour and a half outside Detroit. Florida State, on the other hand, is located in Tallahassee, Florida, which isn’t Miami or South Beach, but I’ll take it over Detroit any day of the week!
Now for the Fall Classic, I was presented with a bit of a quandary. As a native of Los Angeles (and proud of it), you’d think I would be all in for the Dodgers who are playing the Yankees of New York. But royal blue on white is, in a word, uninspired. Not that the black on white of the Yankees is spectacular or awe inspiring, but their addition of pinstripes shows a bit of panache, a bit of savoir faire, even if, it is said, they were added to the outfits so Babe Ruth would appear slimmer as his career wound down and his stomach protruded (a theory R.J. Anderson debunked in 2018 by noting “Ruth joined the Yankees in 1920, a full eight years after the pinstripes first graced their uniforms, and five seasons after they became a staple.” See! I’m not the only one who thinks the outfits are as integral to the game as the thrower (I’m told they prefer to be called “pitchers”).
But even with pinstripes, black on white is pretty vapid. And step two, the vacation test, did little to help me out, because why would I vacation in a place I lived for 40 years, and I’d sooner vacation in Tehran wearing nothing but a rainbow-colored Speedo and peep-toed espadrilles than spend a moment in The Big Apple.
Still, pinstripes. At least they’re making an effort.
So my money is on the Yankees. I have a tradition of watching these major games with two of my friends, one in the bay area of northern California and one in Missouri; we start a group text at the beginning of the game so it’s like we’re watching it together, but they know all about baseball and actually follow the teams and are unlikely to want to discuss whether vertical pinstripes are slimming, so I need to read up to keep up today. My inclination is to research why the game starts at 5:08 tonight. I mean, don’t you find that odd? Have you ever phoned a friend and made plans to meet for brunch – at 10:17? But what I find interesting and what they find interesting are two very different things.
So I’ll probably focus on who the starting throwers are and which one is better. There’s an expensive steak dinner riding on the outcome!