I have a knack for saying the wrong thing, innocently and unintentionally of course. I honestly thought a “teabagger” was someone from England, because they drink tea there. So I introduced the new head of Technicolor New Media’s International Versioning department at a staff meeting as “the newest member of our management team and our very own resident teabagger joining us all the way from London…” As she took the podium, she whispered under her breath as we passed, “could I see you after this Matt?”
This time was a little different. I didn’t say the wrong thing per se, but what I said was wrong. And I want to preface this by emphasizing I have no problem whatsoever with transgender people. Here at Stonewall Gardens, we have had two transgender residents, and we currently have a transgender staff member. Lisa Middleton, our former Palm Springs city councilmember and mayor who is transgender, is an acquaintance – we are not “friends” nor do we inhabit the same social circles, but she always says “Hi Matt” when she sees me at LGBTQ+ community events; maybe my wheelchair gives me away, or maybe she’s just good with names. And I am in frequent contact with a transgender woman who lives in the Midwest that I was introduced to via a mutual friend. Sorry if that sounded a bit like the worn out “I can’t be a racist, I have loads of black friends” line, but dem’s da facts.
About six months ago, I reported a strange “bump” on my neck just above my back to my primary care doctor. He examined it and said, “It’s probably nothing, but I’m going to refer you to a dermatologist.” I finally had the appointment yesterday.
All of my doctors are affiliated with Eisenhower Medical Center in nearby Rancho Mirage which operates satellite offices housing specialty clinics throughout the Coachella Valley, so he referred me to their “dermatology clinic” located here in Palm Springs. They called to confirm the appointment and told me the name of the doctor I’d be seeing: Dr. Jamie DeVito.
I was curious, so I looked her up on Eisenhower’s website, and found her CV along with this picture. Now I am by no means an expert on what is and is not attractive when it comes to women, but I would say she is mildly pretty. She’s not going to give Cindy Crawford a run for her money as America’s next top model, nor is she the bottom of the barrel.
And it’s a moot point, because I do not have beauty standards for healthcare professionals.
I showed up yesterday morning, checked in at the front desk, was shown into an exam room, exchanged pleasantries with the nurse who took my vitals and asked what brought me in. All pretty routine so far. She wrapped up her part and said, “Doctor will be in shortly to see you.” I waited what seemed like an interminably long time but was probably only ten minutes or so, when there was a knock at the door and it burst open. The doctor walked in.
She was in black scrubs, and all that long blond hair was neatly tucked into one of those skull caps you usually see on surgeons. This really revealed her face, and I clocked a very defined jaw. I also noticed large feet (in New Balance tennis shoes, a pair I actually own!) and when she shook my hand she did so with a firm grip.
“Hi, I’m Dr. DeVito.”
“Hi, I’m transgender… I mean you’re transgender… I mean I’m Nice, matt to meet you… I mean…”
“Easy there cowboy, slow down, want to start again?”
“Yes, please… I’m Matt, nice to meet you.”
The rest of the exam went fine. My “bump” as it turns out is completely harmless, so harmless that the doctor recommended just ignoring it. What I can’t ignore is my faux pas, because behind my making a complete ass of myself is an assumption I have criticized others for making and that is that is that trans people should look like and express themselves in a way that “matches” the gender they identify as. This is not the case.
When we say “boys should be boys” or “girls should be girls” we are imposing cultural norms, nothing more. It’s like expectant parents painting the nursery in their house blue when they find out they’re having a boy, or pink if it’s a girl. Or buying Hot Wheels for a boy and an Easy Bake Oven for a girl. There is nothing wrong with a pink nursery for a boy (aside from the fact it’s a hideous color, see here) and maybe he’d prefer playing with a toy version of a kitchen appliance. And while I can’t site particular research, there is no evidence allowing him to do so would “turn him gay.”
A clear way to think about it is to separate three different ideas that often get mixed together:
- Gender identity
This is a person’s internal sense of being male, female, both, neither, or something else. - Gender expression
This is how someone presents themselves outwardly – clothing, hairstyle, mannerisms, voice, etc. - Femininity / masculinity
These are sets of traits, behaviors, and aesthetics that cultures associate with women or men – but they vary widely across time and place.
Being transgender is about gender identity, not about femininity.
For example:
- A trans man (someone assigned female at birth who identifies as male) may be highly feminine – wear makeup, enjoy dresses, or have “soft” mannerisms. That doesn’t make him less of a man.
- A trans woman (someone assigned male at birth who identifies as female) may be very masculine in style or personality. That doesn’t make her less of a woman.
That’s because womanhood is not the same thing as femininity, and manhood is not the same thing as masculinity.
We already accept this with cisgender people (people whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth):
- A masculine woman is still a woman.
- A feminine man is still a man.
The same logic applies to transgender people.
So if someone says being transgender is “about wanting to be feminine” (or masculine), that misses the point. A trans person isn’t defined by how feminine or masculine they are; they’re defined by their relationship to their own gender identity.
I know this. I have been preaching this gospel for years. What upset me so much about my ludicrous display upon meeting Dr. DeVito was how quickly I fell into the trap of expecting gender expression to line up with gender identity. In another context we might call it stereotyping. But no matter what you call it, it is wrong.
In short: Transgender identity answers the question “Who am I?” Femininity (or masculinity) answers “How do I express myself?” Those are related for some people, but they are not the same thing. Innocent or unintentional as it may have been, how I reacted and what I said was wrong, and I apologize. At the end of my appointment, I apologized to Dr. DeVito – she was understanding and gracious. I learned something about myself though: as “woke” as I think I am (and that’s not a bad thing, no matter what the current administration in Washington DC says), I still have work to do.
